Reflection Book Review of "Companioning at a Time of Perinatal Loss"
-Ilise Newman
Foreword, Preface, Introduction
The
Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved really stood out to me in this
section. I thought that it really seemed to emphasize empathy and not
just sympathy. To not just think that we know how to help someone, but
to take the time to reflect and be still, be quiet...bring peace. I know I
will go back to those tenets many times. Companioning is not about intellect, it is about curiosity, walking alongside, being still and not having frantic movement, discovering the gift of silence, listening instead of analyzing, bearing witness instead of judging or directing, being present not taking away pain, respecting confusion, not imposing logic, accompanying someone through sorrow, not thinking we have to find their way out of it.
Another thing that
stood out to me was the Center for Loss and Life Transition being
located in Fort Collins, Colorado where my siblings live. If or when we
head that way to visit, I am going to make sure to see if I can visit or
attend an event.
Chapter One- Families: Becoming Part of Their Story
I
highlighted many things in this whole book that I would want to
remember. In this chapter, I thought it was very important to remember
that the people we will be helping will never go forward as they had
first expected, but they can find hope even in their new heartbreaking
reality.
"It's like sitting in a waiting room for eternity, waiting for what you expect, but nothing ever comes." - This is the sentence that really defined this chapter for me.
Also,
understanding and accepting atypical grief responses and the importance
of really being present...being a part of their loved one's life, even
as saying goodbye, were two more important lessons to me from this
chapter.
Chapter Two- Caregivers: Entering Into the Wilderness
There were quite a few important lessons for me in this chapter. One: we need to be able to say that we made a difference. Two:
"becoming a companion is essential for our survival in a world where miracles are not to be."
Really, there are just so many beautiful, poetic thoughts in this
book, which is why I often silently cried while trying to still see the
written words.
Another lesson: only they know how they feel. I know that
we need to avoid projecting onto those that we are helping. That could
actually be very unhealthy or hurtful to them. Also, I want to remember
that each new bereaved family that I encounter is a clean canvas.
Meaning that, they are going to have their own unique way of grieving,
healing, and the time and tools that come with that.
And I want to make
sure that I am aware of my body language...I tend to be a little
self-conscious about this anyway, so sometimes, in my over-analysis of
my own body language, I also send the wrong non-verbal cues. So, there
is a balance that I need to remember: be still, inside, be still and
hear. What can I do in the present? Even on the most soul wrenching day,
what can I do to listen and help and make the saddest day of their
lives have as much good as possible.
Chapter Three- Environment: Creating a Space for Mourning
Chapter
Three taught me to make a special place for the families that I am
helping. To make it a place of security, love, and peace....to reaffirm
that death is sadly a normal part of life, but that doesn't make
it automatically accepted or without great sadness and separation. To
make the mourning space respectful, yet filled with the good of life and
eternal life (if they are believers) and the beauty of existence and
living in memories. Preparing a room softly with a quiet subtlety that
always acknowledges the family as a unit, even if one member is not physically
present.
Chapter Four- Communication: Beginning the Conversation
This
is probably the chapter that I need to work on the most because I don't
think that I am the best communicator and that is an essential part of
being a bereavement doula. I feel like what I am trying to convey in my
head might not come out as I intended. I could be wrong, but that is my
assessment of myself, so I want to be aware of this while not making
myself uneasy with worry, either, and becoming unstill in my spirit. As
this chapter attested, communication, in its many forms, can be the most
important skill that we have as caregivers. Most importantly, I want to
help them to be able to remove the obstacles that grief could bring to
their ability to communicate their needs. And, of course, all the
communication that I bring to them needs to be sincere and uniquely
mine...just as the book states.
Chapter Five- Strategies: Practicing the Art of Caring
First,
this chapter clarified the difference between caretakers, who feel
responsible for the outcome, and caregivers, who allow the path to take
it's own direction. This is an important difference and one to keep in
mind. Again, we want to provide the most positive experience possible
after the death of a loved one, we want to walk beside, not dictate how
the healing must occur. I think it is necessary to not only mourn, but
help provide moments that can encourage the celebration of the life of
their baby. Their baby existed and changed their lives. They are
parents, their child will always hold a special place in their hearts
and minds, even though they were only physically here for a fleeting time. We
have to be present for the family, confident of the hope of their
ability to survive and heal through their loss, through their separation
from a loved one.
"Concrete issues are easier to approach before abstract ones." This
sentence is another that I have highlighted because I often focus on
the abstract in my daily life, but I need to remember that tangible
experiences are very important during such an emotionally (and
spiritually) difficult time in life.
Another extremely (And I should
underline and capitalize the word 'extremely'.) important reminder to
me:
"If you are nervous or distracted, it will add to the family's confusion. Being nervous, which comes easily to me, can hinder the family and possibly heighten their nervousness, pain or anxiety.
I
want to help the family to say hello before they say goodbye. This is
another essential message from this book. What a beautiful, meaningful
thing to remember. Treat the baby as you would any other baby and let
the family set all the time frames for saying goodbye. Always be beside
them for emotional support and guidance, but never push them in any
direction.
Chapter Six- Memories: Making the Moment Last a Lifetime
Be
creative about remembrance. That is a message of this chapter. Always
remember that every child, no matter what their time on earth, was
important and worthy of love and remembrance. They will always hold a
place in their family, so don't forget to capture memories in special
ways. Memories can become sacred, they take us back to a time that was
special or perhaps very painful and difficult, yet also full of love and
care and priceless moments. We don't create the memories, but we help
to imprint them for the family. Both tangible and intangible memories
are going to be important for families.
"The baby is the tiny pebble that creates ripples of love." There was a list in this chapter that I highlighted that contained ideas for every baby's memory keeper.
Chapter Seven- Discharge: Preparing for the Work of Mourning
"Grieving families have no baby to tend to, so instead we teach them how to live without and continue loving their little one."
This is is what we are trying to do, trying to help each bereaved family
to continue on without really moving on from their baby. There is no
moving on in that sense because the baby is, and should be, always a
part of the family. It is important to remember that one family may lay
aside some of their grief for awhile in able to support the other
grieving family member. So, in this, while one may be searching for
answers, or traveling further into grief in an effort to gather the
energy to move forward, another may still be focusing mostly on their
partner first and thus, be healing in different ways and at different
times even if they are very much unified in love and connection.
Leaving
the baby at the hospital, or having decided that it is time for the
baby to go in able for he or she to be readied for an earthly departure,
can bring the realization that the last bit of hope is over. This can,
of course, be such an incredibly hard time for the family, too, and it
is so important that we make these moments as comforting as possible,
too.
"It is still their grief to own and experience; it was our privilege (and challenge) to be part of it." The previous sentence is another that I highlighted in agreement and want to remember.
Chapter Eight- Other Pregnancy Losses: Support When There is "No Baby"
"Was there ever a baby?"
Just as a person that passes away before the birth of their child, is
still a parent and that child had a mother or father, a baby that passes
away before, during or shortly after birth is still a baby, still a
child of a mother and father that are parents. But it still can be a
struggle for the parents left behind....they may wonder if they have a
reason to grieve. Try to honor the numbness and confusion that could
come in the early times of grief. Some people might not know how they
feel at first. Their baby might have been very young in the development
stages and the mother might not have even adjusted to the idea of being pregnant
yet. So, the emotions that come with loss may not even reach them right
away, but that does not mean that it does not matter to them.
Chapter Nine- After Discharge: Continuing Companioning
There were so many good thoughts in this chapter.
"The
aftercare we provide is often a lifeline in a world where an empty
rocking chair is a heart-wrenching symbol of their lives." After
care is about the family, it is a flow of our compassion to them, we are
trying to help them find a new way for everyday. They will still have
griefbursts, where their grief will return, strongly. It may be
triggered by a holiday or a memory. If you know their special holidays,
it might be very helpful to remember and let them know that you remember.
"Phone
communication challenges our companioning skills; we do not have the
benefit of all our senses to hear the person and understand." This
an important, practical sentence for me. To me, it is so true that phone
conversations can be stunted because you have the immediate sense of
hearing someone, but it can be hindered because you can not see the
non-verbal cues that might be happening. This happens to me a lot in
everyday life and is probably why I find online communication easier
many times because while we then have no inflections or non-verbal cues,
we are also not confused by having the use of only one of our main
senses (hearing). So, it is important to stay even more in tune and
positive with phone communication.
"The flames of tiny baby spirits live within our walls."
This is a beautiful, figurative statement from the book. There will be
many memories in the hospitals or locations where families have said
hello and goodbye to their little ones.
"Our continued relationships are like steppingstones, leading us the next family." Each unique family leaves an impression on us, too, and stays with us as we work hard to support the next family.
Chapter Ten- Final Thoughts: Finding Joy
Finding
joy in bereavement. It does sound like an oxymoron, but joy is not the
same as happiness. It can also be a challenge to find the joy is such
sad times, but there can be small, subtle notions of joy that keep love,
memories and heart ache entwined, yet also separate. This is an
important journey and it is an honor to walk beside families who will
have many important emotions separately and sometimes simultaneously.
