Reflection Book Review of "Companioning at a Time of Perinatal Loss"

Reflection Book Review of "Companioning at a Time of Perinatal Loss"

-Ilise Newman


Foreword, Preface, Introduction

The Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved really stood out to me in this section. I thought that it really seemed to emphasize empathy and not just sympathy. To not just think that we know how to help someone, but to take the time to reflect and be still, be quiet...bring peace. I know I will go back to those tenets many times. Companioning is not about intellect, it is about curiosity, walking alongside, being still and not having frantic movement, discovering the gift of silence, listening instead of analyzing, bearing witness instead of judging or directing, being present not taking away pain, respecting confusion, not imposing logic, accompanying someone through sorrow, not thinking we have to find their way out of it.

Another thing that stood out to me was the Center for Loss and Life Transition being located in Fort Collins, Colorado where my siblings live. If or when we head that way to visit, I am going to make sure to see if I can visit or attend an event.

Chapter One- Families: Becoming Part of Their Story

I highlighted many things in this whole book that I would want to remember. In this chapter, I thought it was very important to remember that the people we will be helping will never go forward as they had first expected, but they can find hope even in their new heartbreaking reality. "It's like sitting in a waiting room for eternity, waiting for what you expect, but nothing ever comes." - This is the sentence that really defined this chapter for me.

Also, understanding and accepting atypical grief responses and the importance of really being present...being a part of their loved one's life, even as saying goodbye, were two more important lessons to me from this chapter.

Chapter Two- Caregivers: Entering Into the Wilderness

There were quite a few important lessons for me in this chapter. One: we need to be able to say that we made a difference. Two: "becoming a companion is essential for our survival in a world where miracles are not to be." Really, there are just so many beautiful, poetic thoughts in this book, which is why I often silently cried while trying to still see the written words.

Another lesson: only they know how they feel. I know that we need to avoid projecting onto those that we are helping. That could actually be very unhealthy or hurtful to them. Also, I want to remember that each new bereaved family that I encounter is a clean canvas. Meaning that, they are going to have their own unique way of grieving, healing, and the time and tools that come with that.

And I want to make sure that I am aware of my body language...I tend to be a little self-conscious about this anyway, so sometimes, in my over-analysis of my own body language, I also send the wrong non-verbal cues. So, there is a balance that I need to remember: be still, inside, be still and hear. What can I do in the present? Even on the most soul wrenching day, what can I do to listen and help and make the saddest day of their lives have as much good as possible.

Chapter Three- Environment: Creating a Space for Mourning

Chapter Three taught me to make a special place for the families that I am helping. To make it a place of security, love, and peace....to reaffirm that death is sadly a normal part of life, but that doesn't make it automatically accepted or without great sadness and separation. To make the mourning space respectful, yet filled with the good of life and eternal life (if they are believers) and the beauty of existence and living in memories. Preparing a room softly with a quiet subtlety that always acknowledges the family as a unit, even if one member is not physically present.

Chapter Four- Communication: Beginning the Conversation

This is probably the chapter that I need to work on the most because I don't think that I am the best communicator and that is an essential part of being a bereavement doula. I feel like what I am trying to convey in my head might not come out as I intended. I could be wrong, but that is my assessment of myself, so I want to be aware of this while not making myself uneasy with worry, either, and becoming unstill in my spirit. As this chapter attested, communication, in its many forms, can be the most important skill that we have as caregivers. Most importantly, I want to help them to be able to remove the obstacles that grief could bring to their ability to communicate their needs. And, of course, all the communication that I bring to them needs to be sincere and uniquely mine...just as the book states.

Chapter Five- Strategies: Practicing the Art of Caring

First, this chapter clarified the difference between caretakers, who feel responsible for the outcome, and caregivers, who allow the path to take it's own direction. This is an important difference and one to keep in mind. Again, we want to provide the most positive experience possible after the death of a loved one, we want to walk beside, not dictate how the healing must occur. I think it is necessary to not only mourn, but help provide moments that can encourage the celebration of the life of their baby. Their baby existed and changed their lives. They are parents, their child will always hold a special place in their hearts and minds, even though they were only physically here for a fleeting time. We have to be present for the family, confident of the hope of their ability to survive and heal through their loss, through their separation from a loved one.

"Concrete issues are easier to approach before abstract ones."  This sentence is another that I have highlighted because I often focus on the abstract in my daily life, but I need to remember that tangible experiences are very important during such an emotionally (and spiritually) difficult time in life.

Another extremely (And I should underline and capitalize the word 'extremely'.) important reminder to me: "If you are nervous or distracted, it will add to the family's confusion. Being nervous, which comes easily to me, can hinder the family and possibly heighten their nervousness, pain or anxiety.

I want to help the family to say hello before they say goodbye. This is another essential message from this book. What a beautiful, meaningful thing to remember. Treat the baby as you would any other baby and let the family set all the time frames for saying goodbye. Always be beside them for emotional support and guidance, but never push them in any direction.

Chapter Six- Memories: Making the Moment Last a Lifetime

Be creative about remembrance. That is a message of this chapter. Always remember that every child, no matter what their time on earth, was important and worthy of love and remembrance. They will always hold a place in their family, so don't forget to capture memories in special ways. Memories can become sacred, they take us back to a time that was special or perhaps very painful and difficult, yet also full of love and care and priceless moments. We don't create the memories, but we help to imprint them for the family. Both tangible and intangible memories are going to be important for families. "The baby is the tiny pebble that creates ripples of love." There was a list in this chapter that I highlighted that contained ideas for every baby's memory keeper.

Chapter Seven- Discharge: Preparing for the Work of Mourning

"Grieving families have no baby to tend to, so instead we teach them how to live without and continue loving their little one." This is is what we are trying to do, trying to help each bereaved family to continue on without really moving on from their baby. There is no moving on in that sense because the baby is, and should be, always a part of the family. It is important to remember that one family may lay aside some of their grief for awhile in able to support the other grieving family member. So, in this, while one may be searching for answers, or traveling further into grief in an effort to gather the energy to move forward, another may still be focusing mostly on their partner first and thus, be healing in different ways and at different times even if they are very much unified in love and connection.

Leaving the baby at the hospital, or having decided that it is time for the baby to go in able for he or she to be readied for an earthly departure, can bring the realization that the last bit of hope is over. This can, of course, be such an incredibly hard time for the family, too, and it is so important that we make these moments as comforting as possible, too.

"It is still their grief to own and experience; it was our privilege (and challenge) to be part of it." The previous sentence is another that I highlighted in agreement and want to remember.

Chapter Eight- Other Pregnancy Losses: Support When There is "No Baby"

"Was there ever a baby?"  Just as a person that passes away before the birth of their child, is still a parent and that child had a mother or father, a baby that passes away before, during or shortly after birth is still a baby, still a child of a mother and father that are parents.  But it still can be a struggle for the parents left behind....they may wonder if they have a reason to grieve. Try to honor the numbness and confusion that could come in the early times of grief. Some people might not know how they feel at first. Their baby might have been very young in the development stages and the mother might not have even adjusted to the idea of being pregnant yet. So, the emotions that come with loss may not even reach them right away, but that does not mean that it does not matter to them.

Chapter Nine- After Discharge: Continuing Companioning

There were so many good thoughts in this chapter. "The aftercare we provide is often a lifeline in a world where an empty rocking chair is a heart-wrenching symbol of their lives." After care is about the family, it is a flow of our compassion to them, we are trying to help them find a new way for everyday. They will still have griefbursts, where their grief will return, strongly. It may be triggered by a holiday or a memory. If you know their special holidays, it might be very helpful to remember and let them know that you remember.

"Phone communication challenges our companioning skills; we do not have the benefit of all our senses to hear the person and understand." This an important, practical sentence for me. To me, it is so true that phone conversations can be stunted because you have the immediate sense of hearing someone, but it can be hindered because you can not see the non-verbal cues that might be happening. This happens to me a lot in everyday life and is probably why I find online communication easier many times because while we then have no inflections or non-verbal cues, we are also not confused by having the use of only one of our main senses (hearing). So, it is important to stay even more in tune and positive with phone communication.

"The flames of tiny baby spirits live within our walls." This is a beautiful, figurative statement from the book. There will be many memories in the hospitals or locations where families have said hello and goodbye to their little ones.

"Our continued relationships are like steppingstones, leading us the next family." Each unique family leaves an impression on us, too, and stays with us as we work hard to support the next family.

Chapter Ten- Final Thoughts: Finding Joy

Finding joy in bereavement. It does sound like an oxymoron, but joy is not the same as happiness. It can also be a challenge to find the joy is such sad times, but there can be small, subtle notions of joy that keep love, memories and heart ache entwined, yet also separate. This is an important journey and it is an honor to walk beside families who will have many important emotions separately and sometimes simultaneously.