-Ilise Newman
This reflection guide really helped me to look deeper than I expected into my own reasons and
convictions for wanting to become a SBD Bereavement Doula. Honestly, my first thought was that maybe
the Reflection Guide would be redundant after just reading "Companioning at a Time of Perinatal Loss",
but it actually ended up being an extremely helpful resource. It really brought everything together for me.
The recommendations and questions and reiteration were very helpful.
The grief that I have experienced in my life has been so much less than those who have lost children, yet, it
was still so heartbreaking and life-changing and overwhelming that I know that if even my small window of
grief was so very painful and lonely, then there are those suffering so much more than I can even imagine.
It really helped to consider my own "Grief Story", though, because it helped me to consider where I was
coming from and how I have endured. I attribute much of my own healing to journaling, faith and prayer. I do
think these things could very well help others, too, but, again, I know that I am coming from a much more
limited experience. It helps to remember the Companioning Tenets....I am not here to solve or to analyze, I
am here to stand beside and help.
"Practice being still." This advice is something that I know I will need to keep as a reminder. I think my
mind might start moving very quickly, especially at first, because I will be afraid to forget something
important or doing something incorrectly.
"As you navigate offering care to the bereaved family, keep in mind that under your doula instincts
and training, you are simply a kindhearted individual. When in doubt about what the ‘doula’ thing to
do is in a bereavement situation, consider what the loving, compassionate thing to do is. Your basic
humanity is your most valuable doula tool." This was also extremely helpful to me. I want to remember
that when I doubt myself, I need to stop and focus and try to do the most loving option.
I, also, found it important to remember that we should encourage our clients to let go of the word, 'should'.
It seems like a simple idea that doesn't even need to be spoken, but it actually is something that many
people may struggle with meeting.
And I agree completely with the recommendation about how to serve mothers and address elective
abortion. I would consider myself pro-life, but do see that it is not a complete answer because there are
times (tubal ectopic pregnancy is one example) where the mother's life could be in danger. Also, while I
would not be able to support a woman who chooses an elective abortion, I can still understand that,
especially if this woman is coming to me for help, then she is definitely reaching out and could use all the
love and proper support that I am able to give her.
The section that addressed "Am I a real parent? Was this a real baby?" really encouraged thought in me,
too. If a mother passed away before she really was able to meet her baby face to face, she would still be a
real parent, a real mother. Likewise, a baby that passes away before he or she is able to be met face to
face is still a real baby, the parents are still real parents, the baby is still a real child of those parents.
I know I will be coming back to this Reflection Guide for Doulas many times. Between the questions that
help to self-reflect and the reaffirmations from the book, a long with the extra, personal levels of advice, I
quickly found this Reflection guide to be a very valuable tool.
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